Munafo Core Values: MCV08 — Listen To Be Clear
MCV08:
Listen To Be Clear
Listening in the most common and ordinary sense of the word refers to the use of hearing and comprehension of sound and language in its various audible forms (speech, music, rhythm, etc.). However, on this page we generalise "listening" to include other senses, along with one's existing understanding of whatever one is listening to. For example, one might comprehend what is being said a little more clearly by knowing what that person has said in the past: in this situation I might say that "my listening is enhanced by my existing knowledge of that person."
Contents
Individual Listening Framework
Comparison of Techniques
The techniques laid out on this page can be broken down into "steps", some of which might involve a second person; along with possible repetition or switching of roles. This chart summarises the differences between the teqhniques described here.
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anger
sorrow
happiness
fear
shame
emotions are just what they are. (contrast with feeling, below)
feeling : one of the more complex non-verbal sensations, like emotion in that they are non-verbal and sometimes come with a physical feeling, but different because they also come with awareness of an external source or target:
contempt (towards or regarding a person or their action)
jealousy (towards or regarding a person)
love (towards or regarding a person)
anxiety (about a situation or possible future event)
vengefulness (towards a person regarding their past action)
feelings tell you what to do; they might control you. (contrast with emotion, above)
Listening Techniques : We will discuss individual-level listening first.
Listening to Yourself
Listening on an individual level usually means clearing away thought and being aware of the unspoken: my context, feelings, gut instinct, etc.
This is a process I must have learned somewhere (I don't remember where) that I use to free my action from being controlled by harmful emotion. I originally called it Zen Awareness, though there is nothing particularly related to any religious or spiritual practise. It works like this1:
1. Look around you — what do you see, hear, etc.?
2. What are your emotions? (emotions are just what they are,
ignoring any associated person)
3. What are your feelings? (feelings tell what to do, and
have a source or target)
4. What are you thinking? (explanations, stories, guessing, etc.)
5. What is your context? (mood or attitude that limits
thoughts and actions)
6. Does your context serve the higher purpose? (see
priorities)
7. Wait a bit, then repeat. Do not take action until the answers
to all of the questions are neutral or positive (when they no longer
"carry any charge").
Please note that if fear or shame are involved, you might want to do the exercise alone — because telling someone about your fear might make you more afraid, and telling someone about your shame might make you more ashamed. In these cases you should probably do the exercise alone. Otherwise, you might want to have a close friend work through the exercise with you — having them witness your answers to the questions will strengthen the effect.
I often find that it helps immensely to do this exercise silently on my own before trying to address an issue that I have with someone else.
Individual Listening* Framework (Ranseth) (*originally the L was "Leadership")
This simplified version of Iterative Awareness does not use all 6 steps and does not involve repetition of the steps. The ILF moves you from external facts to internal awareness, then deeper into patterns and roots, before arriving at self-understanding to inform intentional change.
1. Observe objectively — State only the facts of what happened.
Separate what you actually saw or heard from any interpretation
or story you added.
2. Name your internal reaction(s) — Identify the emotions,
physical sensations, and narratives that arose in you. Recognize
what felt threatening to your status, belonging, competence, or
respect.
3. Locate any pattern(s) — First, trace it backward by finding
where you've felt this before, what early memory carries the same
emotional tone, and what original wound this might echo. Then
examine where else this pattern appears in your life, who else
triggers it, and what it's costing you today.
4. Discover what this reveals — Reflect on what truth about
yourself this experience is showing you. Identify which
guiding principles of yours you may
have compromised.
4b. Consider how the person you aspire to be would handle this
situation, and (optionally) make a specific commitment to change,
possibly as a measurable goal
Listening to Others
If needed, defocus from yourself and listen to the person you're with (whether or not they are speaking). This means picking up on their nonverbal state, and being open to different interpretations of anything they might be saying.
In a situation where (for whatever reason) you know that a reply would be appropriate, you'll also be using what you observe to influence your reaponse, if any. If you aren't clear what response is relevant, just keep listening. Listening can include questions of clarification, or (in one-on-one conversations) restate what was said in your own words ("active listening"); this reassures the speaker that you are listening and helps them identify what details have been missed.
Remember that often "what's needed" is not a response but pure listening — no talking, no questions, no clarification. In Pulp Fiction there is a deleted scene that includes these lines:
MIA Do you listen or wait to talk? VINCENT (pauses, thinking deeply) I wait to talk -- but I'm trying to listen.One of the main challenges to listening occurs to people who have learned a lot and genuinely want to help — they are so aware of what they have to give that they stop paying attention to the person they are trying to help. It is almost always better to just let them talk it out. (There is much more on this in MCV10).
Is is common for people to develop habits of not listening and/or spontaneous interruption. This type of behaviour might be of a distracted or impulsive nature, or other qualities. It is promoted by the common practice of talking over one another (in many environments, e.g. at parties, but also common in all settings in some social circles), a behaviour that tends to be contagious; in such settings it is often necessary to learn how to interrupt in order to have any chance at all of talking.
To illustrate listening I use something I call the "platinum rule" contrasted to the well-known golden rule:
The golden rule: Treat others as you would have them treat you.
The "platinum" rule: Treat others as they would have you treat them.
The golden rule requires no commitment to listening, the platinum rule requires lots of high-quality listening.
Here I will add a note to the effect that — the recommendation of Platinum Rule on the basis of the motivation for high-quality listening, runs across purposes with the recommendation to know people's weaknesses and discourage them from being controlled by their own delusions, biases and/or comfort zone. The interpretation "If a person wants to be coddled, the Platinum Rule tells us to identify this and comply" is not intended.
Just as in MCV03 the core values lead in conflicting directions, and resolution of the conflict requires depth, trust and possibly intense confrontation, to determine the proper strategy and which core value should prevail (the core value of quality listening, or the core value of maturity).
It is also important to notice, be aware of, and respect differences between yourself and others. The single biggest reason why the Golden Rule fails to work is that people using it (and to a greater extent, men) seem to want to treat others as if they have exactly the same mix of abilities and handicaps. Ignoring differences between people is lazy, simplistic, and places one at a competitive disadvantage.
The 3-part or 4-part Iterative Awareness exercise is readily applied to listening to another person. When doing this, you should listen (and only listen, it may take great effort to avoid rebuttal) and the other person should speak, addressing each of the following specific questions in this order. (The 3-part version combines #2 and #3):
1. What happened is ... (Be very clear on what actually physically happened, that would be visible to a videocamera and unequvocably agreed on by witnesses)
2. How it made me feel is... (Emotions and feelings only, not opinions; as a guideline, opinions have words of explanation regarding an action, whereas the "command" from a feeling comes intuitively without an mental voicing of words.)
3. What I interpreted, or judged, was... (Here you add everything else
that you believe happened, distinguishing that these parts originated
in your thoughts, intuition, etc. and may not be apparent to others)
(might be combined with #2)
4. My hope for the future is/are... (Express this as a request of the universe at large, not of the person you are speaking to. You can only ask what you hope for the future. We have no right to tell another person how to run their life.)
After saying all this, the listener can then respond only by acknowledging that the speaker was heard. It may be necessary to repeat and/or paraphrase, to ensure that they really believe you heard them.
5. Acknowledgment (Thank the person for listening ; they might say "I hear you." or similar ; there might be a hug)
6. Return to step 1, if needed
7. Optionally, switch roles and repeat from step 1.
As in the personal Iterative Awareness exercise, it is common to repeat the questions, perhaps switching roles each time, and to continue until a (relatively) positive result is achieved.
Although this process appears aimed at "dealing with negative emotion" (and in that context is sometimes called "list clearning" within Men's circles), it is actually quite effective for positive emotion situations too. Try using the process with your spouse, partner or significant other sometime, to address something they did, about which you feel love or other good feelings towards them.
Active and Passive Listening
These concepts are defined here.
MCV08 for Teams
When this core value is present:
The team is unanimous in what it does. (+mcv8a)
The team does work that is needed and appropriate. (+mcv8b)
The team supports a member in ways consistent with that member's consent. (+mcv8c)
The team collectively listens to those around it (other teams e.g.) to understand their knowledge and opinions on topics of shared interest. (+mcv8d)
When collaborating with others (on other teams e.g.) any combined agreements are made so as to respect the range of opinions/positions regarding questions of shared interest. (+mcv8e)
When this core value is lacking:
The team lacks clarity; stumbles over dissent; makes commitments without unanimous consent. (-mcv8a)
The team sets agendas, performs services, or gives help that is not needed or is inappropriate. (-mcv8b)
The team chooses how to support a member, without that member's consent. (-mcv8c)
When interacting with those around it (e.g. members of other teams), the team dominates any consideration of differences and overrules others' differing positions. (-mcv8d)
When collaborating with others (on other teams e.g.) any combined agreements either completely ignore the team's own positions, or yield entirely to non-team positions. (-mcv8e)
Footnotes
1 : The six questions of Iterative Awareness closely parallel the levels of reality.
Sources:
Quote from Pulp Fiction (Miramax 1994), Quentin Tarantino and Roger Avary.
I arrived at the "levels of reality" (physical, emotions, feelings, thinking, etc.) during an Insight Awakening Heart Seminar ("Insight I") in 1997. The seminar does not describe them, but it helped me think it through.
Much of the rest was common wisdom in the old Sterling Men's Divisions of the 1990s.
Platinum Rule is from Tony Alessandra, who uses it in connection with his charisma material (which I read around 2002-2003).
EL 20051219 ; MS 20060131
An abbreviated "Iterative Awareness" process later made it into the Legacy Discovery event, but that happened independently of me.
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