Munafo Core Values: MCV10 — Know When and How to Hold Back

Know When and How to Hold Back

Individual

In your personal life, this standard corresponds to the "middle path" wisdom of Buddhism. According to the early teachings of the Buddhist leader Siddhartha Gautama, human suffering comes from three causes: Attachment (trying to get something specific because you believe it will free you from suffering), Aversion (deliberately avoiding something you believe will cause suffering) and Ignorance (falsely believing that specific things in the world have specific meaning). While it is impossible for the human mind to avoid the intellectual associations that are at the root of these three causes, a fair amount of benefit can be derived from being vigilantly aware of the three phenomena and actively, intentionally keeping them in check. By doing so one, lives by the core value Know When and How to Hold Back in one's personal life.

An example of attachment and aversion is perfectionism. If you have given your best, but are dissatisfied with the results (regardless of the reasons behind the results being dissatisfactory) then you are being perfectionist. You are expecting more of yourself, and of the world, than is possible. Attachment to the "perfect" result, and aversion from the shortfall and the perceived causes of the shortfall, cause suffering which will undermine the enjoyment you get from the actual success you are having. Since perfectionism is a being rather than a doing, the path away from perfectionism begins with vigilant awareness. A great opportunity to test yourself for perfectionist tendencies is working for someone who requires you to "do each job completely".

Relationship

In relationships, this core value suggests that you should remember to do more listening and asking than speaking. Most people forget to do that. This is a particularly notable issue for those with masculine personalities; and includes some components of the phenomenon of mansplaining: interrupting (particularly to redirect the conversation), saying what might be already known, saying what might be unrelated or irrelevant.

You may find yourself interrupting often, or being told that you seem rushed or in a hurry, only with certain people or in certain situations. In these cases try to notice when this happens most: only when anxious? Only with strangers? Only with someone you hold in high regard (higher than yourself)? Only in 1-on-1 interactions? Only in groups or when others are hearing? Only at work/school? Only with family? etc. Once you identify a pattern, learning to notice that pattern will alert you to when you particularly need to Hold Back.

Those with a natural or learned tendency to try to help others may need to add a sub-clause to the principle of holding back:

Don't offer help until they request it, not even to return the favour if they gave you help. Then, be careful to stay within the range of helpfulness that is clear from what they expressed (asked).

Within Teams

As it relates to speaking up at meetings: even if you have "the answer", wait until the group has collectively addressed (and probably resolved) the problem. This provides the following benefits: Your "answer" was probably wrong, giving you the chance to learn; and if your answer still seems valid after waiting, that makes it more likely to be truthful and of educational value to the group.

Another version of the same thing, is to be aware of when the group is in "speaking personally without feedback" mode, and when they have switched to "problem solving together" mode. It is important to let a problem unfold through testimony of personal experience from all of the people involved, and let everyone be heard first, before anyone begins to address a solution.

Naturally, there are a lot of manifestations of this core value that relate to confidentiality. For example, Don't share news of someone's difficulty without their permission. By default, let everyone find out first-hand. This lets the person with difficulty benefit by telling people their story, offering benefit to them.

In a Leadership Role

In leadership, it may be that you are "expected" to speak up at meetings. Nevertheless it is more important to let things go a while before "stepping in" to bring it back into line (so long as it fits your context). This is similar to an earlier point: it gives you a chance to learn from the group. Since they are collectively more intelligent than you, there is a very good chance that they are discovering something new, that resolves the situation and shows you a new solution that can be applied directly next time. If you do eventually speak, the fact that you have not spoken about the "new issue" means that it's less likely that others are already feeling they disagree with you — and therefore you're more likely to be heard.

In Action As Well As In Word

The principle generalizes to any actions that could be helpful, not just speech. For example, consider a task that requires coorperation and effort by yourself and other(s). Know When and How to Hold Back constitutes finding the balance between doing too little (and not honoring your own commitment) and doing too much (denying the other(s) the opportunity to do their part, and/or learn what they need to learn to do their part more effectively).

MCV10 for Teams

When this core value is present:

Team keeps its commitment in the forefront, keeping its team ego (and excessive team pride) in check. (+mcv10a)

Good sportsmanship (for example, do not humiliate another team) (+mcv10b)

Helping other teams to within reasonable levels measured by respect for the other teams' territory (+mcv10c)

Team is not trying to "fix" its members' (perceived) problems, or it helps a member when help is requested; provided that (in either case) the team is seen by its members as being helpful. (+mcv10d)

When this core value is lacking:

"Team ego" (e.g. excessive pride from team's success) (-mcv10a)

Poor sportsmanship (e.g. "Trouncing" the other team) (-mcv10b)

Helping other teams beyond the scope of what they actually want; Taking on much more than the team's share of the larger organization's work. (-mcv10c)

Team tries to "fix" its members' (perceived) problems, and is seen by its members as being unhelpful. (-mcv10d)

Sources:

David Michie, Buddhism for Busy People, Allen & Unwin, Austrailia 2004, ISBN 1-74114-260-1

EL 20051210 and 20051219; JP 20051010; Team O'ooomoroNoonö 20060126; ML 20080813; MB 20250519; JB 20250520

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